Between the pink and the blue

Nonbinary gender symbol by lilfoxieroxie@tumblr

A few days ago on the TGIMormons mailing list, a member named Cassandra posted some beautiful thoughts on the challenges we face as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who experience some measure of gender incongruence. I liked it so much, I wrote a much longer reply than usual (full disclosure: usually I just lurk over there, and don't post much at all, so any reply from me is going to be longer than usual). Anyway, I thought her initial comment and my reply would make a good fit for here on my blog:

First, I want to make it clear that I sincerely believe that transsexuality results from divinely-inspired natural processes that are designed to maximize diversity among His children. Diversity is good and healthy. (Ditto for androgyny and other points on the gender map)

...

In a gender context, the challenge inherent to androgyny is hammering out one’s own path that will bring them to joy and exultation. Androgynes can’t use either the “male” or the “female” cookbook.

— Cassandra, TGIMormons Yahoo group

I was really happy to see her include androgynes in her very thoughtful post! Yeah, the more I ponder on my unique position along the gender spectrum, the more I think that's where I fit. Which is weird, because that makes me something of a minority, even among the transgender support groups I've joined online!

Often androgynes get forgotten about, I think, because most Trans folk have a very clear picture in their head of which camp they should be in, pink or blue. It's taken me a while to slowly come to the conclusion that I'm uncomfortable in the "blue" camp not because I want to be in the "pink" camp, but because I know, somewhere out there, there's a "purple" camp!

Like Cassandra said, neither a pure-male or a pure-female cookbook would feel perfectly "right" to an androgyne, and indeed I do bounce back and forth a bit in my interactions with my ward family members. For instance, I tend to lean a little more toward femme topics and interests when I'm talking with other kids' moms while waiting for my kids on Mutual night. Then when I'm in a gathering with other Elders, I gravitate to the guys that, like me, have a deep disinterest in sports, cars, guns, and movies full of explosions (there aren't that many of us). So either way, I'm able to carry on a conversation with my fellow ward members, and I think I get along reasonably well with everyone, but it's rare when I'm able to really connect with anyone, and I don't have many what I'd think of as close friends (not saying "oh poor me" or anything, just stating a fact).

I guess another way to say that is to say this: I find myself smiling and nodding a lot, simply choosing not to disclose when my thoughts and feelings don't line up with the gendered expectations of others. Sometimes, I'll speak up in Sunday School or Priesthood if I feel things need to be clarified — the notion of the Prosperity Gospel," for example, sneaks in every now and then, and certain interpretations of the Proclamation on the Family — but often I have learned to just keep my big mouth shut so I can keep my foot out of it!

Someday I'll find that purple cookbook... or maybe I'll have to be the one to write it...