Pedicure

My feet are usually in pretty rough shape. They're calloused, my toenails are misshapen, and my thin skin often leads to nicks and cuts. Last night in the middle of the night I had a terrible itching spell on both feet, and woke up scratching them nearly raw (fortunately I stopped myself before it got too bad). So today after work, I felt like they needed a little love, and decided I'd treat myself to my first-ever pedicure. I opted not to do polish, naturally, (my nail tech didn't even ask, anyway), but the rest of the experience: soak, trim, buff, and massage, was pretty neat, and my feet feel much better now.

Every once in a while, you've got to do something nice for yourself, right? :)

A Bad Dream

Let me preface this by saying I don't often remember my dreams. I'm sure I have them, because, generally speaking, I wake up fully rested. They just usually fade away in the early morning light.

Last night was different.

Most of my readers know that I'm trans*, I've accepted it and shared it with my wife, and am trying to acknowledge that part of myself while staying true to her and our kids. While I'm not going to pass judgement on anyone who decides differently, for us as a couple, that means no transition. Which is fine, because as I said last time, I feel more comfortable trying to find a hybrid middle path anyway.

One coping strategy we've talked about, but which I have yet to act on, is finding a good endocrinologist to see if my hormonal balance can be tweaked to offer me some peace of mind. (I also have a few little physical annoyances like skin brittleness that I think this might help, too, but that's the topic of another post). Of course, messing with my hormonal balance is tricky, because, remember, I'm non-transitioning.

Anyway. Last night I had a dream that I'd consulted with an endo, and was on a regular program that seemed to be really helping. Then, out of the blue, my sweetheart told me she was leaving me, because of dream logic reasons that made sense at the time.

Then I woke up.

For a few minutes, while the dream fog was still surrounding my mind, I felt emotionally numb. I laid there in bed, staring up into the darkness for quite a while. I may have a life outside of my family, with work, cycling, and other extra-curricular hobbies, but without my sweetie and kids, it would seem so empty! I know a lot of transfolk end up losing their families and friends, and that's terrifying to me. Yet to go back to ignoring and cramming this part of myself down into a deep dark hole in the bottom of my soul — well, that's pretty awful too!

Eventually I was able to get back to sleep, and when I woke up this morning, the deep dread of the night had evaporated. I still think finding an endo that can help me is a good idea. But I'd be lying if I said last night didn't spook me a little.