Labels

I'm going to try dictating this blog post from my cellphone. Here goes...

I've been thinking a lot about labels lately -- what we call ourselves, what we call other people, what other people call us -- and it occurred to me that I tend to play kinda fast and loose with the words I use to describe my own situation.

I remember I was young teen when I first found the Renee Richards biography, Second Serve, that talked about her t************ and eventual gender reassignment surgery. (Wow, Android voice recognition censored that last T word. Interesting...)

Anyway, I think it was this book, or another of the very few my library had on the subject, that first helped me put words to the feelings I had inside... where I learned that there is a difference between "transsexual" and "transvestite". (I don't think "transgender" was really in common usage then, if the term had even been coined at all). I knew that I wasn't a transsexual, not exactly anyway -- I didn't want to change myself into a woman (well, most days, anyway). But the literature I read said that that transvestites get some kind of sexual charge out of dressing in women's clothing, and I didn't (more on that in a minute), so that didn't really feel like the right term either.

Now, fast-forward a couple of years.

Over the years while I've been wrestling with my GID, I've wondered exactly what it meant for me and my family. I know I'm not a transsexual. I don't think of myself as a transvestite, at least not in the "gets turned on by women's clothes" sense. (I dress because it's comforting and reaffirms my occasionally feminine feelings). For a long time, when I thought those were the only 2 options, I wasn't really sure what to make of myself: someone who doesn't feel very comfortable in a lot of the traditional male role, but doesn't really want to be a female either; someone who loves his wife and children and wants to stay with them and be a good husband and father, but doesn't want to be a "Ward Cleaver", Father-Knows-Best sort of a dad. These past few months, in reading a lot about this it seems that I fall more into the "squishy middle"... where we now have this neat word, "transgender," which seems to kind of cover a wide range of people -- myself included, I think.

So, that's my gender identity: feminine-leaning male, mildly androgynous... transgendered.

And then there's my sexual orientation, which, it may come as a surprise to some people, is really a totally different subject. Teenage-me used to think they were the same thing, which led to a lot of weird self-searching, because although my gender identity is a bit muddy, my sexuality isn't. I am, always have been, and probably always will be attracted to women -- and one woman in particular, my amazing wife. Sometimes I hear transwomen refer to themselves as "lesbian" because they identify as female, and are attracted to females. Okay, that makes sense. I also know of male to female transwomen that are attracted to men, making them effectively hetero. There also appear to be a growing number of genderqueer folk that you don't really care to be pigeonholed as either male or female, and who are attracted not to a gendered body, but to a person's mind and spirit, be it male or female.

I guess I come back to the point that I've made a few times already on this blog that things are just not as binary as everyone wants them to be. Yes, there are "mens' men." There are "women's women." And then there are all the rest of us.

The Rules

if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.

— Equal Rites, Terry Pratchett

I've been re-reading Terry Pratchett's book Equal Rites, one of his very first novels set on the Discworld*, and one explicitly concerned with gender roles. The main character, Esk, is the Disc's first female wizard, having being accidentally gifted the magic of a dying wizard that thought she was a baby boy. This quote perfectly sums up her 9-year-old attitude toward the world, but it struck me how much it applies to transpeople too. Self-confidence and fearless determination make all the difference in the world.

* This probably won't be the last time Pratchett comes up on this blog; he's one of my very favorite authors, and has written quite a bit about gender, faith, and other thought-provoking subjects.

Music and Me, part 3

One final note (heh) on music, kind of as an epilogue to what I wrote a few weeks ago

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The other day I was listening to a podcast by one of my favorite, tragically geeky bands, They Might Be Giants. I thought I'd heard most of their music, even from the (relatively few) albums I don't own, but then a song came on that I'd never heard before that stopped me in my tracks:

How Can I Sing Like a Girl?

Now, it should be said that over the years the Johns (as they call themselves: John Linnel and John Flansburgh) have been incredibly prolific and have produced a huge catalog of music, not all of which has made it onto an album. (there are at least two blogs that I know of that are posting regular updates highlighting some of its weirder corners). In reading these blogs and listening to this podcast, it occurred to me for the first time that they actually sing quite a bit about gender issues! One more reason to like them. :)

Alone in the Universe?

I recently saw a great middle school production of Seussical the Musical, and was really touched by a couple of the songs. One of my many girlish traits has always been that stuff like this makes my cry, and this show was no exception.

The main story is about Horton the elephant trying to save the tiny Whos, who live on a dust speck on a clover blossom. Only he, with his enormous ears, can hear their cries, and only he, with his enormous heart, dedicates himself to helping them find a safe haven -- in spite of the mocking, scorn, and even threats of harm that everyone else in the jungle heap upon him. The other main character, Jojo, is one of the Whos down in Whoville that also feels like an outcast because he sees things differently than everyone else. The play weaves their two tales together, and becomes this amazing story of how love, friendship, and understanding can give us all hope.

There's one song in particular, where Horton and Jojo both feel alone and outcast, then find each other -- a kindred voice in the darkness that understands exactly what they're feeling, and lets them both know that they're not alone, as long as they have each other. This in spite of the fact that they may never actually meet in real life, due to being literally worlds apart. The song really jumped out at me in bright neon letters 3 stories tall; what better metaphor for what I've experienced in the past few months, thinking myself alone as a transgendered husband and father, then discovering amazing friends that are feeling and experiencing much, if not exactly, the same things! Wow:

To my new trans Mormon friends, who let me know that I am not alone: thank you!

And to anyone else out there reading my blog: you're not alone in the universe, either! We're out here, trying to make our voices heard in whatever small way we can, hoping we can make a difference in each others' lives. And by that act alone, we can.

Yes, I'm a Transgirl Geek

So, I have a bit of a confession to make.

Yes, I have transgender feelings and tendencies. Yes, a lot of the things our culture tells us are "guy" traits don't fit me at all, and I score 55/86/70 (masculine/feminine/andro) on the BEM sex role inventory. But like I said when I started this blog, I do like some stuff that's often considered stereotypically male: video games (though not the ultra-violent stuff like Call of Duty), and superhero comic books.

Of course, these things aren't really limited to the male gender, but you maybe don't see them as often with transwomen. Which was why I was so happy to discover Morgan McCormick! Morgan started a blog and YouTube channel a couple of years ago, and while she's not the most prolific of bloggers/vloggers, I love her, if for no other reason than that she's a devoted gamer and unapologetic geek! She's also much less preoccupied with sex than many (most) of the transpeople on YouTube, so I appreciate that about her too.

Anyway, this blog isn't about her, specifically. It's more about the fact that she and others like her exist, making me feel more like my passion for geeky stuff doesn't make me any less authentic in my trans-ness. So, if you see some of that sort of stuff pop up here on the blog (or over on my Google Plus) from time to time, now you know why. :)

LDS Transgenders' Voices Needed

One of the first blogs I found when I had my "hey, maybe transgenderism isn't evil after all!" epiphany was The Exponent, an LDS Women's blog that spends a fair amount of time talking about gender roles. Lots of interesting threads, not all of them directly related to my own situation, but all of them from sisters in our faith who are trying to find the will of God in their lives. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, the Exponent publishes a quarterly magazine, Exponent II, and they devoted the whole of their most recent issue, which was just released a few weeks ago, to LGBTQ saints. I enjoyed what I read, but when I got to the end I was disappointed to note that they couldn't find any T or Q members willing to share their stories!

Even as our faith community seems to be becoming more accepting of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, methinks transpeople don't yet feel quite so welcome...? Or maybe we just aren't as willing to share? Or, maybe, people just didn't know about the Exponent at all before the submission deadline? I don't know. I don't want to be judgmental of others, but I can't help but feel like there's room for improvement here.

I say this, fully aware of the irony that I'm still anonymous here, not even out to my own family yet. And yet I still feel like there should be transgendered members of the Church who have come to terms with themselves and have chosen to remain active and in full fellowship. Where are their voices? Maybe this ever-increasing group of our gay and lesbian fellowsaints have been able to come forth and talk about their experiences because someone first stepped out in the darkness and blazed the trail before them.

So my question is: who's going to be the brave one and make those first steps so that the rest of us aren't so afraid to follow?

Interesting Conversation with my Wife

So this morning I shared that BYU "It gets better" video with my wife (who, remember, doesn't yet know I'm trans).

It kinda blew her mind. And it started a conversation that I think will lead to me being able to share all of this with her.

My dear wife (from now on let's call her DW) has a good friend and former BYU roommate that she just found recently on Facebook. This friend, judging by her profile and posts there, appears to have come out as a lesbian, and is living with the consequences of that decision. Another of DW's friends, a boyfriend from high school that investigated the Church for a while in his teens, has also come out as gay, and is somewhere out in the third world serving others selflessly (just, I might add, as Christ might be doing if He were here). As someone who, like myself, grew up in the Church with President Kimball's views on gender and sexuality (such as in the Miracle of Forgiveness) very much the norm, these kinds of things tend to... well, challenge her worldview somewhat.

DW shared with me that she'd just read a press release from the Church decrying all forms of persecution (including against LGBTQs), which was apparently released in response to a teenager in northern Utah recently committing suicide over anti-gay bullying in his school. Attitudes in the Church, it seems, are changing. Perhaps too slowly for some, but they are definitely changing.

I want to make it clear that I think we need to continue to stand for truth and righteousness in a lone and often dreary world. That said, we also need to recognize the difference between real sins and those attitudes, thoughts, and actions that are sometimes wrongly perceived in our faith community as such. Until we receive further light and knowledge from the Lord through the prophet, the onus is on us as individuals and families to study it out in our minds and hearts, and love all our brethren and sisters--both LDS and otherwise--with Christ's unconditional love.

Truly, we live in interesting times.

Tall for a Girl

When I was a teenage guy wanting to be more like my tall Dad, I would round my height up to 6 feet exactly. Nowadays I usually say I'm 5 feet/11 inches, which somehow sounds better to me for some reason. Still, that makes me pretty tall for a Caucasian woman, since the average height is apparently around 5 feet/4 inches. Which makes me feel like it would be hard to find clothes that fit, and unlikely I'd ever be able to "pass" as a woman in public, even if I got around my hair issues.

Then again, there are women around my height, including Brooke Shields, Michelle Obama, and even Wonder Woman herself, Lynda Carter! So, maybe I'm not such a tall freak after all! :)

Music and Me, part 2

Last time, I talked about how music played such an important part in my wife as I grew up.

As I got older, my voice got deeper and deeper, more and more like my dad's gravelly bass. For many years, I just kind of went along with that, and whenever we participated in our ward choirs, I always sang bass. I like being part of the choir and singing praises to the Lord, and a lot of times our wards haven't had many interested male voices, so I've always felt welcome. Bass was easier, both because that's where I thought I was stuck and because the bass part in church hymns tends to be a lot easier than the tenor part, and anyway tenor was just a bit too much of a stretch for me.

A couple of months ago our ward choir started practicing for our Easter program. My 9-year-old son, who for years has opted out of ward choir even though his big sister has sung with us, suddenly decided he wanted to take part. His voice hasn't changed yet, so he sings tenor (well, probably baritone actually). Since this was his first experience with the choir, I wanted to sit with him for moral support... which meant singing tenor too. Turns out, with a bit of an adjustment in my posture and a small mental shift in terms of where my voice is singing from... I CAN sing tenor! The very highest notes are still a bit of a challenge until my voice has warmed up, but with proper support, I can actually sing tenor quite well! :)

I know to many people, this may seem a really minor thing. But it's been a huge confidence-booster for me in terms of carving out a more gender-balanced identity for myself. With my newfound ability, I've been practicing singing along with Josh Groban and Collin Raye when I'm driving alone to and from work, and it's been so freeing!

Based on this success, I've started trying to figure out how to adapt my vocal ability to my speaking voice too. There are tons of video tutorials on YouTube that talk about how to do this, some more useful than others. One of the big clues that really helped me was to speak from the throat instead of from the abdomen; it's really pretty amazing how much of a difference in makes just relocating the sound resonance from your chest to your head! I've been trying this on and off lately, even sometimes at work and when talking to my kids and wife, and so far nobody's said anything to me about it, because it's still my voice, just pitched a little higher. Wow.