On blanket answers

Earlier today, my friend Laurie posted a new entry to her blog, talking about how great it is that recently she, Christian Taylor, and I have all seemingly arrived at a similar place in our transgender-tinged walks with Heavenly Father:

1. Each of us has some measure of gender dysphoria / feelings of feminine gender identity.
2. Each of us was born & raised male, received the priesthood, married a woman, had kids, and is active in the Church.
3. Each of us would likely lose all of these things if we were to pursue gender transition to live as a female.
4. Therefore, we have each decided to remain with our spouses, remain in the Church, and remain primarily male, finding ways to embrace and express our femininity from this side of the gender divide.

I agree with this characterization of my thoughts and feelings today, as well as my agreement with my wife (I know, I still haven't blogged about how I came out to her! Next post, I promise!). But I confess to feeling a little bit uneasy with the overall message that appears to be coming from Laurie's post (I'm not going to ascribe this to her directly, because this may not be her intent at all, and just my interpretation * I'm positive that this wasn't her intent, and she has since said as much, but someone might still get that impression in reading over our blogs without the proper context).

It reminded me of a conversation going on over on Josh Weed's blog right now. The gist of it goes like this:

1. Josh Weed is a self-declared homosexual man.
2. Josh Weed is happily married to a straight woman.
3. Therefore, some argue, these so-called "mixed-orientation marriages" can work and are the solution for all gay men (and women) of faith.
4. "Not so," reply others -- Josh & Lolly's situation is unique. It works for them, and though there are other charter members of Club Unicorn for whom mixed-orientation marriages work, saying "wow, I can't wait to show this blog to my gay friend!" is harmful, because there are many gay Mormons (perhaps most?) for whom such a marriage wouldn't work at all (or who have tried one and failed).

I think the same can be said of our mutual position on our transgenderism. It works for the three of us, and we can rightly rejoice in having found a way forward in our lives that preserves the things we hold most dear, but there are other transgender Mormons for whom this wouldn't be a solution at all. Like Christi said a few weeks ago, our thoughts and ideas should NOT be taken as the official position of the Church, or the One True Way(™) for transgender Mormons to live their lives. Just as gender identity and expression is along a continuum, so too I think are the ways each of us has to come to grips with it.

* I edited this parenthetical to clarify my intent. I'm not trying to criticize Laurie here at all, I just wanted to make sure not to make things harder on transwomen for whom our solution isn't the right one.