Last week, I blogged about where the first part of my pseudonym comes from. In order to explain the second part, I need to tell you something about my Mom.
I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but my Mom wasn't. In fact, even though my Dad was a member of the Church as a kid, he wasn't super active until years later either (but that's another story). I remember Mom telling me once shortly after my mission that I was "her first convert," because she got interested in the Church via her mother-in-law (my Grandma) when I came along. So Mom took us kids to church every Sunday, and Primary every week (what day was it on before the unified block schedule, Wednesdays?) I owe my testimony, faith, and trust in God to her in more ways than I can count. She's amazing. (Not to take anything at all away from my Dad... he just wasn't spiritually there yet)
So let's skip ahead a few years. I must've been about 12 or 13 at the time... my gender issues were in full swing at this point, and thanks to the public library, I had a vague notion of what it meant to be transsexual. We were in the car, driving out to visit my grandparents, when out of the blue she nonchalantly says to my sister and I: "You know, I used to be a man."
I was stunned!
Really?!?! My amazing mother was born a guy?!? I couldn't process this. These crazy transgender feelings I was dealing with? My Mom knew what they felt like...? This might change everything!
After a beat, though, clarity (I don't remember if she told us, or if it just occurred to us on our own): her maiden name is MANN! So Mom was born a girl, but before she got married and took my Dad's name, she was a Mann! Not a "man".
D'oh!
So this was just a corny joke, completely innocent on her part, and not at all what I had read into it. It certainly didn't help my dysphoria, but years later, it would make the perfect pseudonym: one that says something about who I am and what's important to me (i.e. my awesome family), while yet saying nothing at all. So now, you know.
Man oh Mann, that's funny!
ReplyDeleteSeriously thanks for posting this part of the puzzle. I am glad to see your tender feelings for your family too.
I had read Nikki's site before too, and her language, though very familiar to me from my Pre-LDS growing up years, is too coarse for me today to enjoy the points she is making.
Someone once offered regarding transition (or any change I suppose) that you don't just start doing what your target gender does, you stop doing what your original gender does.
I suppose that's a little morose for such and uplifting post as yours, sorry! Smile, Laurie.
We learn a little more about each other every day. :-))
ReplyDeleteLaurie: yeah, Nikki's language makes me cringe a bit, but for me at least her story is one that has me hooked. Like I said, though, it's not for everyone. I can see what you mean about "stop doing what your original gender does," but for me at least, it's more about being true to myself, whether an attitude or behavior is culturally masculine or feminine. But then I'm not looking to jump from one side of the gender divide to the other, I'm looking for a bridge so I can find a comfortable spot somewhere in between. ;)
ReplyDeleteWell said, I think I was overtired when I wrote my reply this morning. I was over critical which is uncharacteristic, please pardon me I am on grandbaby overload, which is both great and terrible!
DeleteI like your analogy of the right place in between which will be unique for each of us.
Maybe I am suffering from a little of that "manopause" that C was referring to in my post today. Cheers, Laurie.
Heh... well, andropause or not, I think it's safe to say we're all just a little imbalanced. ;)
DeleteI'll say, I went into an almost unexplainable depression this afternoon that I am now just coming out of. It was scary and for the first time I couldn't tell what triggered it. I'll be ok I think, but I feel more vulnerable than usual tonight.
DeleteSo sorry to hear that! I had a mood crash too a few nights ago when I received some bad news about what I thought was a really positive job interview. Not feeling in control of my emotions is a new and a somewhat scary thing. :-~
DeleteI am doing much better today, but it took bottling cherries all day (we have a wonderfully well producing tree in the backyard) and then a major shopping spree in the evening to pull me back up.
DeleteWhile we were out last night, my sweetheart engaged me in rare positive gender-related talk too, which helped and gives me an idea for my next post.
Things are looking up.
Sorry to hear you had a bad blow in the career department, nothing puts you out there more than job searching, it is easy to get hurt. You remain in my prayers for your success and well being.
Best wishes, Laurie.
C: haha, yes we do.
ReplyDelete