I'm going to try dictating this blog post from my cellphone. Here goes...
I've been thinking a lot about labels lately -- what we call ourselves, what we call other people, what other people call us -- and it occurred to me that I tend to play kinda fast and loose with the words I use to describe my own situation.
I remember I was young teen when I first found the Renee Richards biography, Second Serve, that talked about her t************ and eventual gender reassignment surgery. (Wow, Android voice recognition censored that last T word. Interesting...)
Anyway, I think it was this book, or another of the very few my library had on the subject, that first helped me put words to the feelings I had inside... where I learned that there is a difference between "transsexual" and "transvestite". (I don't think "transgender" was really in common usage then, if the term had even been coined at all). I knew that I wasn't a transsexual, not exactly anyway -- I didn't want to change myself into a woman (well, most days, anyway). But the literature I read said that that transvestites get some kind of sexual charge out of dressing in women's clothing, and I didn't (more on that in a minute), so that didn't really feel like the right term either.
Now, fast-forward a couple of years.
Over the years while I've been wrestling with my GID, I've wondered exactly what it meant for me and my family. I know I'm not a transsexual. I don't think of myself as a transvestite, at least not in the "gets turned on by women's clothes" sense. (I dress because it's comforting and reaffirms my occasionally feminine feelings). For a long time, when I thought those were the only 2 options, I wasn't really sure what to make of myself: someone who doesn't feel very comfortable in a lot of the traditional male role, but doesn't really want to be a female either; someone who loves his wife and children and wants to stay with them and be a good husband and father, but doesn't want to be a "Ward Cleaver", Father-Knows-Best sort of a dad. These past few months, in reading a lot about this it seems that I fall more into the "squishy middle"... where we now have this neat word, "transgender," which seems to kind of cover a wide range of people -- myself included, I think.
So, that's my gender identity: feminine-leaning male, mildly androgynous... transgendered.
And then there's my sexual orientation, which, it may come as a surprise to some people, is really a totally different subject. Teenage-me used to think they were the same thing, which led to a lot of weird self-searching, because although my gender identity is a bit muddy, my sexuality isn't. I am, always have been, and probably always will be attracted to women -- and one woman in particular, my amazing wife. Sometimes I hear transwomen refer to themselves as "lesbian" because they identify as female, and are attracted to females. Okay, that makes sense. I also know of male to female transwomen that are attracted to men, making them effectively hetero. There also appear to be a growing number of genderqueer folk that you don't really care to be pigeonholed as either male or female, and who are attracted not to a gendered body, but to a person's mind and spirit, be it male or female.
I guess I come back to the point that I've made a few times already on this blog that things are just not as binary as everyone wants them to be. Yes, there are "mens' men." There are "women's women." And then there are all the rest of us.
I've been thinking a lot about labels lately -- what we call ourselves, what we call other people, what other people call us -- and it occurred to me that I tend to play kinda fast and loose with the words I use to describe my own situation.
I remember I was young teen when I first found the Renee Richards biography, Second Serve, that talked about her t************ and eventual gender reassignment surgery. (Wow, Android voice recognition censored that last T word. Interesting...)
Anyway, I think it was this book, or another of the very few my library had on the subject, that first helped me put words to the feelings I had inside... where I learned that there is a difference between "transsexual" and "transvestite". (I don't think "transgender" was really in common usage then, if the term had even been coined at all). I knew that I wasn't a transsexual, not exactly anyway -- I didn't want to change myself into a woman (well, most days, anyway). But the literature I read said that that transvestites get some kind of sexual charge out of dressing in women's clothing, and I didn't (more on that in a minute), so that didn't really feel like the right term either.
Now, fast-forward a couple of years.
Over the years while I've been wrestling with my GID, I've wondered exactly what it meant for me and my family. I know I'm not a transsexual. I don't think of myself as a transvestite, at least not in the "gets turned on by women's clothes" sense. (I dress because it's comforting and reaffirms my occasionally feminine feelings). For a long time, when I thought those were the only 2 options, I wasn't really sure what to make of myself: someone who doesn't feel very comfortable in a lot of the traditional male role, but doesn't really want to be a female either; someone who loves his wife and children and wants to stay with them and be a good husband and father, but doesn't want to be a "Ward Cleaver", Father-Knows-Best sort of a dad. These past few months, in reading a lot about this it seems that I fall more into the "squishy middle"... where we now have this neat word, "transgender," which seems to kind of cover a wide range of people -- myself included, I think.
So, that's my gender identity: feminine-leaning male, mildly androgynous... transgendered.
And then there's my sexual orientation, which, it may come as a surprise to some people, is really a totally different subject. Teenage-me used to think they were the same thing, which led to a lot of weird self-searching, because although my gender identity is a bit muddy, my sexuality isn't. I am, always have been, and probably always will be attracted to women -- and one woman in particular, my amazing wife. Sometimes I hear transwomen refer to themselves as "lesbian" because they identify as female, and are attracted to females. Okay, that makes sense. I also know of male to female transwomen that are attracted to men, making them effectively hetero. There also appear to be a growing number of genderqueer folk that you don't really care to be pigeonholed as either male or female, and who are attracted not to a gendered body, but to a person's mind and spirit, be it male or female.
I guess I come back to the point that I've made a few times already on this blog that things are just not as binary as everyone wants them to be. Yes, there are "mens' men." There are "women's women." And then there are all the rest of us.
Ok wow first of all I am completely techno-awed by your dictation into your Android. I resisted getting a smart phone forever, but now I am commenting on one.
ReplyDeleteThanks for a thoughtful well written post. When I first started reading about this I thought somehow there was a single absolute I was looking for. Somehow everyone's perception or experience of TG had to match a single definition. Like my finite mind was ready to move on from binary gender but only willing to accept a third pigeon holed response.
I now see a broad spectrum between the two polar ends where as you say do many of us fit. I identify more toward female than you I guess and that is grand!
I look forward to the day when it can be openly discussed without causing everyone substantial pain. That may be idealist but this had been a beautiful start for me.
With great appreciation, Laurie.
Yeah, I had the idea for this post while on a long drive by myself, and knew I'd not be able to get it all down the way I wanted if I didn't dictate it. The Android's voice-recognition is usually surprisingly good, and only occasionally hilariously bad, but it almost always needs cleanup (punctuation and such).
ReplyDeleteI think the thing about the gender-expression spectrum is that the male/female binary is SO engrained in us culturally that breaking free from that perception really takes some effort. And of course, certain aspects of our beings DO come from our spiritual gender, but I suspect we won't fully understand which parts of gender are eternal and which are cultural until the next life.