Trans Awareness Month, Day 14 - Passing tips?

(This is part 14 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass?

Um, well, first of all, "passing" is a loaded term. Passing as what, exactly? There are an almost infinite number of variations in womens' hair, skin, body type, voice, and on and on and on, so meeting some arbitrary set of criteria that everyone will read as "female" is somewhat laughable. I'm not saying there aren't ranges on every one of those categories that roughly equate to "female" and "male", because there probably are. What I'm saying is that ultimately, as a non-binary identifying person, it doesn't matter to me.

... much.

Actually, it does matter to me, I guess. But it's complicated.

I don't really alter my presentation all that much for different social situations, other than the obvious one of getting more dressed up for church and work than, say, a quick trip to the corner store. That being the case, I have a couple of important criteria in mind when I get dressed:

1. I want to embrace my femininity in minor ways that nevertheless remind me of my identity. My hair is a big one. A little jewelry sometimes is another. The cut & color of the clothes I wear. Basically the stuff I talked about in my "coping" post a few days ago.
2. I want to look like "Dad" to my kids, in a way that doesn't make them (or their friends) uncomfortable. Having a daughter in her early teens, this one matters quite a bit to me.
3. I want to be attractive to my sweetheart. I don't care much if anyone else thinks I'm good looking, but I want her to.

If I pass those three tests, nothing else really matters to me. :)

Trans Awareness Month, Day 13 - Bathrooms

(This is part 13 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

Sheesh, further and further behind schedule... oh well, doing my best here. Here's the next question in the series:

13) Bathrooms

This isn't a question. Buuut, given recent events, it's certainly an important topic of conversation, so let's go.

I prefer gender-neutral, or so-called "family" bathrooms. When those aren't an option, I use the men's restroom, but I never use urinals if I can help it, because honestly, I'd really prefer not to focus on certain... facts of my anatomy.

I realize that trans-friendly bathroom policies are a hot button issue for many trans folks and cis folks alike. Take the current brouhaha over California's recently passed law that allows trans kids to use the locker rooms (and play on the sports teams) corresponding to their gender identity. Conversatives have gone nuts, claiming that this will lead to big bad scary boys declaring that they're "feeling transgender today" so they can go into the girls' bathroom and... do horrible things, presumably. There are at least two problems I can find with that strawman scenario, right off the top of my head:

1. I seriously doubt any school will roll over and let students change back and forth from day to day. This is intended to be more of a protection for the longsuffering trans kid that wants to permanently be associated with their identified gender.
2. If the "trans for a day" scenario wasn't already unlikely enough... what red-blooded meathead teenage boy do you know who would actually risk his reputation by declaring himself to be transgender, even temporarily? The boys that people are claiming to be so worried about are, I expect, so misogynistic that the thought of anyone seeing them as less than the manliest of men is probably terrifying.

So, yeah. This is such a strawman issue. Unfortunately, however, it's one that opponents can use to create fear and uncertainty in the electorate. Which really ticks me off.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

At first this post was going to be me talking about how my LDS trans friends and I have been invited to guest blog over at Northern Lights all this month in honor of Trans Awareness Month. But then I remembered that today is the annual Transgender Day of Remembrance, and thought that self-promotion might be a little tacky, so I'll defer. But if you're interested in LDS perspectives on trans issues, you'd be well served to get over there and follow along.

I do want to pause, though, and remember those transfolk (mostly minority-status trans women) who have been the unfortunate victims of fear, hatred, misogyny, and violence. I wish that, after being "civilized" for thousands of years, humanity would have eventually mellowed out by now.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 12 - What are you doing to stay healthy?

(This is part 12 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

Since I'm so far behind, I'm going to take another cue from Brin, and start answering the questions immediately after reading them instead of putting a lot of forethought into it. Maybe that way I can catch up...

12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?

I actually talked about this yesterday, since it's a component of my dysphoria coping strategy. Basically the mental & physical health aspects of my current routine can be boiled down to eating well, exercising regularly, and having regular interaction with friends that know and accept me for who I am. And really, that's all I have to say about this one.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 11 - How do you manage dysphoria?

(This is part 11 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

Yes, I realize I'm very behind schedule. Maybe it'll be Christmas before I finish; I dunno. Anyway, here's question 11:

11) How do you manage dysphoria?

Woooooo. This one is a little tricky, because I know it's so different for so many of us. So I'll preface this by saying these are just my strategies. They may not work for everyone, and a year from now they may not work very well for me either, because I evolve them as my needs change.

Presentation

As I've said previously, my agreement with DW is that I no longer present femme, even in the privacy of our home. That doesn't mean I'm stuck wearing frumpy, baggy lumberjack clothes, though. Over the last 18 months, I've built up a decent little collection of attractive, androgynously-cut clothes I absolutely love to wear: a couple of pairs of jeans, some dressy slacks, a few chinos, some button-up shirts and nice tees to layer with them. I don't really push the gender boundary too hard, though... I work in a pretty male-dominated field, and I'm not entirely sure if that wouldn't end up being a career-limiting move. But it's a blessing that my field also has a fairly relaxed dress code, so I don't have to go all "Mad Men" with a suit & tie (honestly, that would drive me bonkers really quickly).

I've also been acquiring a small collection of gender-neutral jewelry: bracelets and necklaces, mostly beads, shells, or natural fibers. It's a little touch, but sometimes it's just enough to remind me of my identity and help me to feel a little more confident about myself when I'm surrounded by testosterone.

I pay more attention to personal care than I used to. I try to keep my fingernails neatly trimmed, and occasionally treat myself to a pedicure (once on an anniversary date with DW, which was unexpected & fun). I try to shave my face every other day; I really ought to do it daily (or even twice daily, really), but I also have very sensitive skin, and over-shaving it makes it irritated. I've been using moisturizer morning & night, and that seems to be helping a bit. I've also been growing my hair out; it's long enough now to pull back in a little ponytail, which is a new experience for me. I'd like to go a little longer, but that's a conversation DW and I haven't had yet.

Chemical

In addition to all of the above, I've been on herbal supplements since this spring: Saw Palmetto as an anti-androgen, and Black Cohosh for its phytoestrogenic properties. They're both much milder than HRT, but they serve to take the edge off my dysphoria just a little bit. But really, I need to find an endocrinologist and get set up with something a little more official and professional, if for no other reason than to make sure I'm not messing up my liver. The herbals have been a nice stopgap while we were in transition from the East Coast, but now that we're more or less settled and back in good health, I think it's time to start doctor shopping.

I've also made a habit of eating more healthfully. I've almost completely eliminated soft drinks from my diet (the occasional Mountain Dew at a restaurant still happens from time to time), which has made a pretty big difference. I eat a lot of salad (I'm talking rabbit levels of salad consumption); it fills you up just as much as carbohydrate-heavy stuff, without the negative effects carb-loading can have. I otherwise haven't really cut anything out of my diet, I'm just smarter about portion control, and try to reach for fruits and veggies first if I need a snack.

Another chemical change that has been very helpful is regular exercise. At least a couple of days a week, I try to run (well, more like power-walking most of the time) during my lunch hour. It wakes me up when I might otherwise get a little sleepy after lunch, and it revs up my metabolism so that it's more efficient about burning calories (which feeds back into my diet). Since I started my exercise program in earnest, I've lost about 35 pounds! I'm not quite where I want to be yet (still have a bit of a "spare tire" to lose), but looking in the mirror isn't quite so distressing as it once was.

Social

I've talked before about how helpful it's been to have friends that know what I'm going through. I participate on a couple of email discussion groups for LDS transgender people, and it's been very rewarding. Sometimes I'm able to say an encouraging word or two when a friend is feeling down. Other times, someone will do the same for me. Often the discussions we get into will expand my understanding of some facet of the Gospel, or of what it means to be trans and stay a faithful member. Sometimes my friends and I get into off-list conversations over Google Chat or Facebook or whatever, and those conversations have also been really rewarding and enriching.

Just as importantly, I'm out to my wife, and lately we've had some really great conversations about faith and faithfulness. We have kids that don't yet know the fulness of my issues, and I don't have anyone else I can really talk to in person, but having DW to talk to has been a tremendous comfort, and I've very grateful for her and her attempts to understand me and support me in my challenges, even as I try to do the same for her.

Spiritual

Finally, last but not least, is the spiritual component to my coping. I have about a 45-minute commute to work most days, and although sometimes I spend it listening to NPR or music, I've been making an effort to plug in my audio scriptures and listen to at least a chapter or two every day from the Book of Mormon. It's been really interesting to me to study this way, because the lessons I'm gleaning from the long sweep of Nephite/Lamanite history are new to me, and I'm learning a lot about human nature, righteousness, wickedness, humility, pride, and what it means to have faith, even when I don't know the meaning of all things.

Disclaimer

Again, these are my coping strategies as of November 2013. I reserve the right to change them as my needs change, and I make no claim that they'll be a silver bullet that eliminates all traces of gender dysphoria. Doing these things haven't eliminated mine, either, but taken as a whole, they've certainly made it more manageable. And for right now, that's enough.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 10 - What are your fears about being trans?

(This is part 10 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

10) What are some of your fears in regards to being trans?

I think I covered this one pretty well a few months back:

Last night I had a dream... out of the blue, my sweetheart told me she was leaving me, because of dream logic reasons that made sense at the time.

Then I woke up.

For a few minutes, while the dream fog was still surrounding my mind, I felt emotionally numb. I laid there in bed, staring up into the darkness for quite a while. I may have a life outside of my family, with work, cycling, and other extra-curricular hobbies, but without my sweetie and kids, it would seem so empty! I know a lot of transfolk end up losing their families and friends, and that's terrifying to me. Yet to go back to ignoring and cramming this part of myself down into a deep dark hole in the bottom of my soul — well, that's pretty awful too!

...

I'd be lying if I said last night didn't spook me a little.

By far my greatest fear about being transgender is losing the people closest to me: my dear wife, my amazing kids, my parents & sister. I hate that my motivation to action and inaction alike is fear, and I wish that wasn't the case, but it is.

But, like I said in my "bad dream" post up there, cramming all of my genderfluid feelings back down in a hole in my psyche and pretending that they're not there, that they don't exist and never have — that's not a viable long-term strategy either. I tried it for 20 years and all it got me was a lot of internalized shame and self-hate, and painful social dysfunction caused by not being able to really be myself. So another fear is that I never get a chance to really be open about my transness with the people I love, that they'll never really understand the real me, just the shell I've created. (although I suppose to some extent that's a phenomenon that's not limited to trans folks).

One more fear that I have is that the LDS church as a culture never comes around to accepting people like me. (and here I want to make it very clear I'm speaking about the culture of the Church, i.e. its membership at large, and not about the institution of the Church itself). Heck, if you read Josh Weed's recent manifesto post, you'll get some idea of where gays in the Church stand right now, and it's kind of the same, scary place: on the one hand, you have Church leaders both local and general who profess love and compassion, and on the other, you hear messages over the pulpit decrying the moral decay of the world, using people just like you as Exhibit A. I have good friends I've made through my online presence that have fallen away from the Church because it's just too painful to go and feel judged, unworthy, unloved and unwanted.

I strongly feel like the Church community needs trans people that come out of the closet in a very open and public way, who yet remain humble and willing to sustain the Brethren of the Church rather than try to bully them into acceptance (a recent incident in the news comes to mind, but I'd rather not open that particular can of worms, thankyouverymuch). Josh Weed quoted a member of the Church, Emily Stephens, who recently accidentally outed herself by posting to a public Mormons Building Bridges thread on Facebook. Her comment is so touching, I wanted to share it here:

Jann...your post's last statement is so penetrating... "...why would the church put up a website about mormons and gays and it have loving language, but the GA's talk about it with such vileness???"

I am active LDS, served a mission, attend the temple. I love to serve in YWs! I love to pay a full tithe! And, I pray every night that Heavenly Father will be merciful and let me die. I've survived being LDS and gay for 13 years, sometimes barely. I figured it out when I was 22. The messages this weekend conveyed to me exactly what you wrote. I must acknowledge that. I'd like to ignore those talks and only think about Uchtdorf's talk, but I heard their words. My heart has felt their words. They aren't going away. They aren't even new words. It is what has been said for years. I have a testimony of the gospel. So, I don't understand why my church hates me so much. Why do they insist repeatedly that I am vile? Why am I targeted at all? Because I "love" wrong?

I am terrified of people in my stake finding out I am gay. Though I am more than sure they suspect. In the past, I had a loving and compassionate bishop tell me that if people found out, my calling with the youth would be in jeopardy. Just if they found out I am "gay." I have never been kissed in my entire life. Never held hands. I've loved secretly and deeply in my heart, but was taught to do so with the greatest of shame.

It is often suggested that same-sex marriage is the root cause of the degradation of the family--how is that possible? If we are to be discussing vile at Conference, why aren't we talking about pornography, infidelity, deadbeat parents, addictions, abuse, the objectification of women, pregnancy outside of wedlock. And when we discuss those things which truly threaten the family, why aren't we doing so with compassion, asking "how can we help?" instead of the fearful, "how can I isolate my family from the world?"

Jann, I want to praise members like you who are brave enough to ask these questions. I want to thank members who are courageous enough to see the disparity and deeply feel the pain it causes and are willing to succor people like me nonetheless. It is brothers and sisters like you that successfully place my backside in that pew every Sunday to partake of the sacrament. It is you who gives me hope, especially in a place where being willing to see us with compassion is an insurmountable task. God bless you.

I don't want to obscure the fact that trans issues are not gay issues, but there's certainly a similar dynamic at work in our struggle for understanding within the LDS church. The church culture and practices are very tightly coupled to the gender binary and a very specific cultural definition of "traditional marriage" (1950's-style nuclear family), so anything that seems to deviate even slightly from this ideal is met with a certain amount of aloofness, resistance, perhaps even hostility, and this sometimes carries over into our rhetoric and messages shared from the pulpit. In that context, some weeks it's a real struggle, as Emily says, to put my "backside in the pew." (or, honestly, in my Priesthood meeting)

And here's the thing: identifying as genderqueer, I'm not even that extreme, really, on the spectrum of trans-ness! If I feel uncomfortable, I can only imagine how painful it is for some of my friends.

So... my fears about being trans? That things never get better, that I lose the people I care about, and that we as a Church keep losing people who need the love and support of the Body of Christ.

I hope it gets better. I hope my fears prove to be unfounded. And I pray that someday we transfolk will be known even as God knows us... by our hearts.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 9 - What is something positive about being trans?

(This is part 9 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

9) What is something positive about being trans?

I'm going to echo Brin's answer on this one, although she and I aren't really in comparable situations. Being trans has made me aware of my white hetero-normative privilege, and the inequality and marginalization suffered by minorities. It has made me more empathetic to others, more prone to include than to shut out. These are experiences I wouldn't trade for the world, no matter how hard it is to be trans.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 8 - How to deal with being read?

(This is part 8 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

8) How do you deal with being read mis-gendered in the beginning of transitioning by people?

Well, since I'm not out and not transitioning, I deal just okay, although I'm not really a fan of being "Sir"ed.

I will say that with my long hair and wardrobe choices, I occasionally get double-takes from passersby.

... which is actually kinda awesome. :)

Trans Awareness Month, Day 7 - Who do you look up to?

(This is part 7 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

Okay, got some catching up to do. Let's see how many I can knock out tonight while waiting for my new Agents of SHIELD episode to download.

7) Who do you look up to?

Oh, gosh, so many people I don't know if I can really single anyone out without leaving out so many others. I'll limit myself to my heroes as related to my transgenderism, because otherwise we could be here all night:

• Brin, webmistress of bigender.net, who opened my eyes to the idea that people's gender identity can be fluid.
• Morgan McCormick, who showed me you can be trans and still like video games and "boy stuff".
• Josh Weed, who showed the world it's possible to be a faithful, gay Latter-Day Saint (I admit his circumstances are unique, but still). Plus, he's funny.
• Katelyn Marsh, whose friendship and advice are always welcome.
• Gordon Hinckley, who showed the world that it's possible to stand for your faith and boldly declare God's will, yet remain humble, funny, and just a little bit self-deprecating.
• Finally, last but certainly not least, my wife, DW. Seriously, she's an amazing person, and since my coming out to her, she's tried to be understanding and supportive in a life she never asked for. She makes me a better human being just by being next to me.

So, readers, who are some of your heroes?

Trans Awareness Month, Day 6 - Who was the first person you told?

(This is part 6 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

6) Who was the first person you told about being trans?

In real life? my sweetheart, my one-and-only, my dear wife. I call her DW here on the blog.

Online? I think the first person I actually talked to online about my gender issues was Christi Taylor, who used to blog at TransChristian, but has since shut down that blog and moved on. She's also the first person besides my wife that I've met in real life and who knows both sides of me. That conversation meant so much to me at the time, I don't think she has any idea how much. She's been going through a really rough patch the past year or so, and I very rarely ever hear from her anymore. I miss her. :(

Trans Awareness Month, Day 5 - Are you active in the trans community?

(This is part 5 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

5) Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community?

Only online. Maybe someday that will change, but for now, given my family situation and wanting to respect my sweetheart DW's wishes, that's where I'm at.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 4 - Coming Out

(This is part 4 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

4) How did your family take it when you came out/ if you are not out why aren't you?

Well, like I said in the last post, I'm not out to anyone but my Sweetheart, and that was kind of a rough thing. She felt lied to, betrayed, and afraid for our future together — a fear that I shared. Part of our mutual understanding in the fallout from that initial coming out was I can push my presentation as "metrosexual" (i.e. androgynous) as I want, provided I stay on the "male" side of the line. So far so good, since I've since come to identify more as genderqueer anyway. But she also really, really doesn't want me sharing my gender issues with anyone else, so out of respect for her feelings, that's where things remain.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 3 - Have you ever been outed?

(This is part 3 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

Aaaarrrgh, so here it is, November 10th, and I'm only on "Day 3" of my little project.

I blame Tumblr. But whatever, here we go:

3) Have you ever been outed?

I suppose it depends on the definition of "outed," really. If you mean, has someone who knows I'm trans told someone else that didn't know? If that's the question, then no... but only because my sweetheart is literally the only person in the world who knows, and she would never tell a soul. But since my coming out to her was triggered by an external event (the whole story is here), I guess you might consider that being "outed," since it was not on my timetable and was out of my control.

It got better.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 2 - How did you choose your name?

(This is part 2 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

I'm not doing very well with this whole "30 posts in 30 days" thing. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up over the weekend.

2) How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why?

I've actually covered this one previously; here are the relevant bits:

I was a big Transformers fan as a kid... but it wasn't the violence itself that appealed to me: instead, it was the richness of the worlds that were created! Indeed, as I grew older, I became fascinated with science fiction and fantasy stories, to the exclusion of almost everything else — because it wasn't the conflict inherent in fiction that caught my attention, it was that ability to escape into a whole new world... where good would always stand up to evil in whatever form it took, and though sometimes there would be cliffhangers, good would always triumph in the end.

Anyway, that's way more analysis than I had intended to put into explaining my Transformers love, and it was all leading up introducing this particular Autobot. Meet Arcee:

That's right, Arcee is a Transformer. Originally the only female Transformer, to be exact. Eventually the creators added other female robots, but for that first generation of stories, she was the Autobot Smurfette. I never owned her toy, but nevertheless, I always knew of her, and she carries a special significance in my heart.

It also doesn't hurt that "Arcee" is a virtually unused name, so doesn't carry a lot of gender baggage. Which, as a nonbinary, appeals to me.

I must've been about 12 or 13 at the time... my gender issues were in full swing at this point, and thanks to the public library, I had a vague notion of what it meant to be transsexual. We were in the car, driving out to visit my grandparents, when out of the blue [my Mom] nonchalantly says to my sister and I: "You know, I used to be a man."

I was stunned!

Really?!?! My amazing mother was born a guy?!? I couldn't process this. These crazy transgender feelings I was dealing with? My Mom knew what they felt like...? This might change everything!

After a beat, though, clarity (I don't remember if she told us, or if it just occurred to us on our own): her maiden name is MANN! So Mom was born a girl, but before she got married and took my Dad's name, she was a Mann! Not a "man".

D'oh!

So this was just a corny joke, completely innocent on her part, and not at all what I had read into it. It certainly didn't help my dysphoria, but years later, it would make the perfect pseudonym: one that says something about who I am and what's important to me (i.e. my awesome family), while yet saying nothing at all. So now, you know.

So there's that. Hopefully I'll be able to get my next few posts up later this morning, before I get into the thick of the workday.

Trans Awareness Month, Day 1 - When did you realize the term transgender referred to you?

Hello friends, long time no see!

As many of my readers may know, November is Transgender Awareness Month, and this year, I'm feeling inspired by fellow trans* blogger Brin to somehow mark the occasion. Especially given how quiet and lonely this little blog space has gotten!

Brin has a YouTube channel I discovered a while ago, where she covers transgender and bi-gender subjects. This year, she's marking November by doing 30 vlogs in 30 days, answering the questions listed in the 30 Day Trans-Challenge. Even though we're already 6 days into the month, I'm going to try to do the same. So here goes!

1) When did you realize the term transgender referred to you?

That's a good question. First, a detour to the mid 1980s:

I really started actively questioning my gender in my early teens (triggered by puberty, I suppose). But at that time, there was no World Wide Web I could turn to for answers, and the only book in our public library even remotely in the right ballpark was an autobiography of transwoman Renée Richards, who underwent SRS in the mid-1970s. I was fascinated by Richards' story, because up until that time, I had no idea that such a thing was possible (although I had certainly wished it was). But the more I thought about it, the more that path didn't feel quite right for me... maybe in part because I'd been raised in a home with very traditional values, but maybe because it didn't really match up with my sexual orientation and long-term goal to marry and have a family (it never occurred to me that someone could be transsexual and homosexual at the same time, i.e. a male-to-female transsexual attracted to other females).

Besides "transsexual," our family encyclopedia also included an entry for one other term, "transvestite," but I was uncomfortable with that one as well, albeit for different reasons. I occasionally cross-dressed, but it wasn't a sexual/fetish thing, as it seemed to be for transvestites. It was simply something that felt right, and eased my dysphoric mind for a time, before the shame took over (my dysphoria led to some pretty deep-seated self-loathing).

Since I didn't fit either definition, I squashed the feelings down deep inside and denied them for as long as possible. That got me through highschool, an LDS mission, and enough college to find and marry the girl of my dreams.

6 months or so into our marriage, the dysphoria came roaring back, and so began a secretive binge-purge cycle that lasted the next 14 years. Which brings us to last March:

Finally ... I Googled "transgender mormon," and was thunderstruck by what I learned: there are other LDS men who feel the same way as I do, and instead of denying these powerful urges (which never fully works -- they always come back more powerful than ever) or leaving their families and the Church to pursue gender transition, are trying to find a middle ground: embracing their feminine sides in a way that is in harmony with the Gospel!

Can such a thing be possible?

So, I guess you could say that's the point when I finally realized that what I've been feeling all these years wasn't some weird, fleeting temptation, and that I could own and accept this aspect of myself without having to buy into the baggage that comes with those other, more specific terms. I am who I am... I am transgender.

Being Genderqueer

Genderqueer pride flag, from Wikimedia Commons

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't posted much lately; we've recently moved cross-country, and are still unpacking boxes (and probably will be for the next 6 months -- at least it feels that way sometimes!)

Recently a new online friend posted to a thread on the NorthStar Transgender Support mailing list, talking about her experiences growing up trans*, and explicitly mentioned me as someone who might have a slightly different experience, since I identify more genderqueer than transsexual (Wikipedia's page, which I linked to, has a better explanation than I can give succinctly, if you're curious about what that means).

Anyway, I ended up writing back quite a bit (probably more than everyone else on the thread cared to see, actually. Sorry!), and when I was done, I realized that I haven't really blogged too much over here about my realization that my transgender experience is probably a little different than most. So, I'm going to publish an edited version of those comments here. For those of you reading this that are also on the NS mailing list, please forgive the redundancy.

It's funny, but while my experience is in many ways different from a lot of us in the group, in other ways it's very much the same. I have a lot of attitudes and mannerisms that aren't male-typical, and had even more as a teen before they were kind of shamed out of me by people who told me that I shouldn't act this way or that. For instance, I used to be a kind of a "chatty Cathy," which sometimes got me attention from people around us when we were out in public settings, and my Mom was always trying to get me to quiet down. Looking back now, I think that maybe it was just as much about my intonation and speech patterns as it was my volume. (I'll note that since accepting myself for who I am, I'm getting kinda chatty again -- at least in certain circles)

As a kid, I had a lot of female friends, and very few close guy friends. That was fine in elementary school, but by middle school, when my classmates were starting to pair off as couples and get shy around the opposite sex, suddenly it wasn't cool anymore for me to "fraternize with the enemy," so to speak, and I lost some good friends because of it, without ever really comprehending why. My lack of understanding about how to navigate normal male group dynamics made me an outsider in my ward, neighborhood, school -- just about everywhere, as I didn't really "get" any of the other boys, they certainly didn't know what to make of me, and since I was a boy, the girls weren't really interested in letting me hang around.

Nowadays, the things that get to me the most are when D.W. expects me to act as the stereotypical Mormon "head of household", leading in family scripture study, always being the one to call on people to pray at dinner, that sort of thing. It just DOES NOT come naturally to me, and if I balk when she asks me to do something like that, I think she thinks it's just a lack of self-confidence (or worse, a lack of interest), and not the deep-seated incongruity I feel all the time in those situations -- like, why do I always have to be the one in charge? Why do I always have to be the strong, confident one, just because of the configuration of my privates? Sometimes I wish I had someone to put their arms around me, hold me close, and make me feel safe and protected. Being "the patriarch" is emotionally exhausting to me.

This discomfort affects me at work, too -- I have a hard time being assertive, often preferring to be the one forging compromises and trying to make everyone happy. Sometimes I get nervous about that, and hope that it's not a career-limiting trait (more on that in another post)

Looking at that rambling narrative, I notice it's mostly about gender roles, not strictly about my gender identification. But that's a whole different, tangled-up topic that'll take me a while to properly articulate. For now, let me just say this: it's complicated.

Anyway, maybe this will help someone else out there in the vastness of the Internet. I sure wish the same breadth of information were available to me when I was a kid -- I would have figured things out a lot sooner.

Pedicure

My feet are usually in pretty rough shape. They're calloused, my toenails are misshapen, and my thin skin often leads to nicks and cuts. Last night in the middle of the night I had a terrible itching spell on both feet, and woke up scratching them nearly raw (fortunately I stopped myself before it got too bad). So today after work, I felt like they needed a little love, and decided I'd treat myself to my first-ever pedicure. I opted not to do polish, naturally, (my nail tech didn't even ask, anyway), but the rest of the experience: soak, trim, buff, and massage, was pretty neat, and my feet feel much better now.

Every once in a while, you've got to do something nice for yourself, right? :)

A Bad Dream

Let me preface this by saying I don't often remember my dreams. I'm sure I have them, because, generally speaking, I wake up fully rested. They just usually fade away in the early morning light.

Last night was different.

Most of my readers know that I'm trans*, I've accepted it and shared it with my wife, and am trying to acknowledge that part of myself while staying true to her and our kids. While I'm not going to pass judgement on anyone who decides differently, for us as a couple, that means no transition. Which is fine, because as I said last time, I feel more comfortable trying to find a hybrid middle path anyway.

One coping strategy we've talked about, but which I have yet to act on, is finding a good endocrinologist to see if my hormonal balance can be tweaked to offer me some peace of mind. (I also have a few little physical annoyances like skin brittleness that I think this might help, too, but that's the topic of another post). Of course, messing with my hormonal balance is tricky, because, remember, I'm non-transitioning.

Anyway. Last night I had a dream that I'd consulted with an endo, and was on a regular program that seemed to be really helping. Then, out of the blue, my sweetheart told me she was leaving me, because of dream logic reasons that made sense at the time.

Then I woke up.

For a few minutes, while the dream fog was still surrounding my mind, I felt emotionally numb. I laid there in bed, staring up into the darkness for quite a while. I may have a life outside of my family, with work, cycling, and other extra-curricular hobbies, but without my sweetie and kids, it would seem so empty! I know a lot of transfolk end up losing their families and friends, and that's terrifying to me. Yet to go back to ignoring and cramming this part of myself down into a deep dark hole in the bottom of my soul — well, that's pretty awful too!

Eventually I was able to get back to sleep, and when I woke up this morning, the deep dread of the night had evaporated. I still think finding an endo that can help me is a good idea. But I'd be lying if I said last night didn't spook me a little.

Hybrids

So... um, happy new year?

Life's been crazy lately, and I'm sure I'll talk about why in another post. But this one's been simmering on the back burner of my brain for long enough that I need to just publish it and move on. Enjoy.

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A month or two ago I had a bit of an epiphany as I was on my lunch time bike ride.

I'd finally gotten myself another mountain bike, to replace the one that I lost in my big summer crash. It's a full-suspension bike, meaning that it has shock absorbers on the front fork, and also on the frame itself, below the seat. This is a first for me: I've owned plenty of road bikes, and my last bike was more rugged than a typical road-only bike, but this is my first full-blown "mountain bike."

Honestly, I'm having a hard time getting used to it.

The thing about full-suspension bikes, particularly the cheaper ones (like mine), is that they tend to be a little "bouncy": the shocks don't just cushion you from the big bumps, they operate pretty much constantly. So it leads to a bit of a weird rhythm that I can't quite get the hang of (yet, ze says hopefully...?). Plus it feels like I'm sitting too low, even though I have the seat post fully extended.

Maybe I just need time to adjust...

On the other hand, there's my new road bike, which I bought early in the summer (pre-crash) so that I could participate in the group rides that a friend in the area often does on Saturday mornings. It's tall—I almost have to get on my tiptoes to get my leg over the top bar—and the brake handles aren't where I expect them to be because it's a road-style cockpit, and my old bike had mountain-style handlebars. So on that bike, too, I feel a little unsteady. And frankly, a little unsafe.

I don't want to sound petty or ungrateful. This is definitely a "first world problem." The fact that I have a sufficient income to actually own two nice bikes during a recession is a real blessing. But I think my last bike really spoiled me.

My got-broken-in-the-crash bike was a crossover, sometimes called a hybrid. Ostensibly, it was a mountain bike, with the straight handlebars and shocks on the front fork, but the frame was much closer in appearance to a road bike's frame than to my new mountain bike's. I could ride it more or less upright, like a road bike, but the cockpit gave me the more precise and immediate control of a mountain bike. Its tires were also wider and knobbier than regular road tires, so I could ride the beat up, worn down streets around my office with confidence, then jump off the road and navigate dirt, rock and root-covered trails with equal aplomb.

I miss it.

So here's that epiphany I mentioned earlier: while riding, thinking about how weird the rhythm of my new mountain bike felt, and how I couldn't go as fast as I wanted to be going, etc etc etc, I realized that I feel the same way about my gender as I do about my bikes!

Yeah, shocker. :-P

Since last spring, when I started to earnestly examine my feelings of gender incongruence, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to me, what's really going on in my head. For years, I basically dealt with it by publicly acting more macho than I felt and rarely sharing my true feelings on a subject, and occasionally dressing en femme in private when the pressure got to be too much for me. I would swing back and forth between those two extremes for YEARS before I finally figured out that neither one felt entirely comfortable, exactly "right" for who I was.

Now that I'm out to my sweetheart, one thing she's felt very strongly about is that I not dress anymore, and I'm trying to honor that request by finding other coping strategies. For the most part, this has been easier that I expected it to be, because I'm finally allowing myself to be me, and not the totally-not-a-transperson-seriously-don't-look-at-me-that-way mask that I used to wear.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I think I'm slowly coming to the realization that I'm not the same kind of transperson as most of my online friends—and that's okay.