Rebirthday: Hair, Skin, & Nails

Well, so much for restarting my blogging habit here. It's been a month since my last post, but here's the next, much-belated entry in my series marking my first year on hormone replacement therapy. Let’s talk about three things that usually get mentioned in the same breath, for some reason: hair, skin & nails.

Skin

I’m going to save hair for last, because I have the most to say on that subject. Skin is much more straightforward: it’s getting softer. Smoother. I bruise more easily than I used to, and get nicks & scratches a little easier, too. It’s also a lot drier than it used to be, so I find that my lotion budget has gone up quite a bit. But I do like the way it feels (and smells), so I don’t mind that at all.

Nails

Like my skin, my fingernails also seem a little thinner, and tear more easily. I’m keeping them a little longer than I used to, and keep a shiny clearcoat on them most of the time, which does help strengthen them a bit more. A few times I’ve also ventured to be a little more daring, and have worn them painted to work, to my therapist’s, etc, mostly on significant days (like trans day of remembrance). To my co-workers’ credit, nobody’s batted an eye or said a thing. (bless you, San Francisco!). I like them painted; it’s a little cue to others and a quiet reassurance to my sense of self. But until I’m ready to be more visible in all aspects of my life (including my kids’ church, which is notoriously queerphobic), I’ll probably stick to special days (Next on the calendar: March 31st, Trans Day of Visibility).

Hair

I’d started growing my hair out some time before starting hormones, but it was kind of… well, my daughter said it was mullet-y. Since then I’ve started working with a stylist that’s helping me to take care of it while I grow it out. I know there are plenty of girls, cis and trans alike, who can rock short hair, but right now, honestly, I need it long. I’ve lived my whole life without being able to wear it long, so I need this, emotionally. (plus, anything to help me pass is a plus).

One of my major dysphoria triggers has always been my receding hairline. Hormones have helped a bit, halting its progression, but they haven’t done much to promote regrowth (a few stray hairs here and there, but that’s it). A few months ago, a trans friend recommended rogaine, which had done wonders for her, so a little over a month ago, I started trying it. Sure enough, after a few weeks, the receded areas started to show signs of life again… it’s been agonizingly slow, but there’s just the faintest patch of peach fuzz there now, which is encouraging.

Body hair has seen slower changes on HRT than I had hoped. I’m genetically predisposed to “sasquatch” levels of body hair, which has been another major trigger for a long time, and it’s incredibly time-consuming (and very visible to others) if I shave, say, my arms, legs, and chest. But things are sloooowly getting better. A few months ago, I used a few Amazon gift cards to invest in a starter epilator, and have used it a couple of times on my legs, and this week, on my arms. The hair that’s growing back in both areas is finer, thinner, and slower to regrow, so it seems that my body may finally be taking the hint. Huzzah.

That leaves my facial hair, which I “affectionately” refer to as my chin moss (not my term: I heard another trans girl on Tumblr use it, and it fit well enough that I adopted it). My #1 dysphoria trigger, and most likely the main thing keeping me from being correctly gendered more often. But dealing with this one is stressful and expensive. I have to shave every single day, and even then, I have a very visible beard shadow, and would prefer not to have to hide it using a lot of makeup (it would make me feel deceptive, tbh, but I know that’s just me). Anyway, I’ve started a separate savings account with my bank specifically to set aside money so that I can invest in laser hair removal for my face & neck, hopefully later this year. More on that, hopefully soon.

Happy Rebirthday!

It's no secret that this blog has been a bit of a ghost town for the past year. Most of what I would have put here, I either shared with friends on Tumblr, or wrote in my diary, or maybe expressed one on one with a friend over instant messaging. Regardless, I felt like I should try to post a few things here about what's going on in our lives.

So... this is the first of what I think may be several posts marking my first year on hormone replacement therapy, and how it relates to what came before. Because it marks the anniversary of the day when my rebirth began, I'm going to call it "Rebirthday."

This time, I’m going to be talking about my boobs, so if any of you feel like that’s TMI or triggering in any way (and if it is, I’m sorry :(), maybe don’t click through the “Read More.”

Second Puberty

Last night I think I started to realize what HRT is going to mean for me and my family. Like I mentioned last time, I was due to consult with my doctor on hormone treatment options, and that happened Tuesday. I've been on Spiro and Estradiol since then, and overall it's been a huge improvement to my state of mind, but after work yesterday I met DW & our kids to do a school thing for DD, and all of a sudden, I got completely sideswiped by an intense anxiety attack. Too many people, all looking perfectly well adjusted and cis-normative and able to blend in to society completely naturally (I don't know if they all were or not, but that's what my brain was telling me), and this powerful fear of rejection washed over me. Like no matter what I do mentally or physically, I'll never be able to be an anonymous part of that kind of crowd.

(This is all going on in my head, mind you. I'm not out to our son yet, and DW who tries to support and understand what I'm going through, had enough on her plate without having to coddle me, so I just leaned against a wall and closed my eyes until I could regain some measure of control)

Mind you, DD's in high school, maybe midway through her own puberty. DS has gotten really irrational and emotional in the past month, so we suspect he's on the verge of his as well. Now this. When we got home, I tried to explain what I'd experienced to DW, and her comically exasperated comment? "Aaargh, I don't know if I can handle THREE people all going through puberty at the same time!"

She's right. This is going to be a second puberty for me. Hopefully this one will go better than my first, and I'm still confident that I'm doing what I need to address my dysphoria, but I have no doubt it's going to be a roller coaster of a year.

Where I'm at

So... I kind of dropped off the planet halfway through my 30-days-trans-challenge. Things since November have been hectic, and a lot has changed, but more on that in future posts.

The big news is what's been happening in the past month. Last week, I began transgender-focused primary care at the UCSF Women's Health center in San Francisco. My GP, Dr. Deutsch, is a trans woman, and was very helpful and understanding as I explained my situation and that I'm looking for something to manage my dysphoria, but not take any steps toward transition. Next week I go back in for a follow-up appointment and consultation on HRT options (yay!).

She also suggested I should see a therapist, not for gatekeeping reasons (they're an informed consent clinic, so I don't need a therapist's letter as a precursor to treatment) but just so I can better work out my goals and how to include DW. Well, with a great deal of nervousness, tonight I had my first appointment with a trans-friendly therapist. She was incredibly patient and accommodating, even though I was kind of all over the place about my faith, my body, my job, our marriage, our kids, and on and on. She asked a couple of pointed, clarifying questions, but otherwise, sat back and let me begin to untangle this Gordian knot I've been calling my "gender issues". It's still early days, but so far, I feel like it's going to be a very productive and positive relationship. I'm hopeful. :)

Trans Awareness Month, Day 11 - How do you manage dysphoria?

(This is part 11 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

Yes, I realize I'm very behind schedule. Maybe it'll be Christmas before I finish; I dunno. Anyway, here's question 11:

11) How do you manage dysphoria?

Woooooo. This one is a little tricky, because I know it's so different for so many of us. So I'll preface this by saying these are just my strategies. They may not work for everyone, and a year from now they may not work very well for me either, because I evolve them as my needs change.

Presentation

As I've said previously, my agreement with DW is that I no longer present femme, even in the privacy of our home. That doesn't mean I'm stuck wearing frumpy, baggy lumberjack clothes, though. Over the last 18 months, I've built up a decent little collection of attractive, androgynously-cut clothes I absolutely love to wear: a couple of pairs of jeans, some dressy slacks, a few chinos, some button-up shirts and nice tees to layer with them. I don't really push the gender boundary too hard, though... I work in a pretty male-dominated field, and I'm not entirely sure if that wouldn't end up being a career-limiting move. But it's a blessing that my field also has a fairly relaxed dress code, so I don't have to go all "Mad Men" with a suit & tie (honestly, that would drive me bonkers really quickly).

I've also been acquiring a small collection of gender-neutral jewelry: bracelets and necklaces, mostly beads, shells, or natural fibers. It's a little touch, but sometimes it's just enough to remind me of my identity and help me to feel a little more confident about myself when I'm surrounded by testosterone.

I pay more attention to personal care than I used to. I try to keep my fingernails neatly trimmed, and occasionally treat myself to a pedicure (once on an anniversary date with DW, which was unexpected & fun). I try to shave my face every other day; I really ought to do it daily (or even twice daily, really), but I also have very sensitive skin, and over-shaving it makes it irritated. I've been using moisturizer morning & night, and that seems to be helping a bit. I've also been growing my hair out; it's long enough now to pull back in a little ponytail, which is a new experience for me. I'd like to go a little longer, but that's a conversation DW and I haven't had yet.

Chemical

In addition to all of the above, I've been on herbal supplements since this spring: Saw Palmetto as an anti-androgen, and Black Cohosh for its phytoestrogenic properties. They're both much milder than HRT, but they serve to take the edge off my dysphoria just a little bit. But really, I need to find an endocrinologist and get set up with something a little more official and professional, if for no other reason than to make sure I'm not messing up my liver. The herbals have been a nice stopgap while we were in transition from the East Coast, but now that we're more or less settled and back in good health, I think it's time to start doctor shopping.

I've also made a habit of eating more healthfully. I've almost completely eliminated soft drinks from my diet (the occasional Mountain Dew at a restaurant still happens from time to time), which has made a pretty big difference. I eat a lot of salad (I'm talking rabbit levels of salad consumption); it fills you up just as much as carbohydrate-heavy stuff, without the negative effects carb-loading can have. I otherwise haven't really cut anything out of my diet, I'm just smarter about portion control, and try to reach for fruits and veggies first if I need a snack.

Another chemical change that has been very helpful is regular exercise. At least a couple of days a week, I try to run (well, more like power-walking most of the time) during my lunch hour. It wakes me up when I might otherwise get a little sleepy after lunch, and it revs up my metabolism so that it's more efficient about burning calories (which feeds back into my diet). Since I started my exercise program in earnest, I've lost about 35 pounds! I'm not quite where I want to be yet (still have a bit of a "spare tire" to lose), but looking in the mirror isn't quite so distressing as it once was.

Social

I've talked before about how helpful it's been to have friends that know what I'm going through. I participate on a couple of email discussion groups for LDS transgender people, and it's been very rewarding. Sometimes I'm able to say an encouraging word or two when a friend is feeling down. Other times, someone will do the same for me. Often the discussions we get into will expand my understanding of some facet of the Gospel, or of what it means to be trans and stay a faithful member. Sometimes my friends and I get into off-list conversations over Google Chat or Facebook or whatever, and those conversations have also been really rewarding and enriching.

Just as importantly, I'm out to my wife, and lately we've had some really great conversations about faith and faithfulness. We have kids that don't yet know the fulness of my issues, and I don't have anyone else I can really talk to in person, but having DW to talk to has been a tremendous comfort, and I've very grateful for her and her attempts to understand me and support me in my challenges, even as I try to do the same for her.

Spiritual

Finally, last but not least, is the spiritual component to my coping. I have about a 45-minute commute to work most days, and although sometimes I spend it listening to NPR or music, I've been making an effort to plug in my audio scriptures and listen to at least a chapter or two every day from the Book of Mormon. It's been really interesting to me to study this way, because the lessons I'm gleaning from the long sweep of Nephite/Lamanite history are new to me, and I'm learning a lot about human nature, righteousness, wickedness, humility, pride, and what it means to have faith, even when I don't know the meaning of all things.

Disclaimer

Again, these are my coping strategies as of November 2013. I reserve the right to change them as my needs change, and I make no claim that they'll be a silver bullet that eliminates all traces of gender dysphoria. Doing these things haven't eliminated mine, either, but taken as a whole, they've certainly made it more manageable. And for right now, that's enough.

A Bad Dream

Let me preface this by saying I don't often remember my dreams. I'm sure I have them, because, generally speaking, I wake up fully rested. They just usually fade away in the early morning light.

Last night was different.

Most of my readers know that I'm trans*, I've accepted it and shared it with my wife, and am trying to acknowledge that part of myself while staying true to her and our kids. While I'm not going to pass judgement on anyone who decides differently, for us as a couple, that means no transition. Which is fine, because as I said last time, I feel more comfortable trying to find a hybrid middle path anyway.

One coping strategy we've talked about, but which I have yet to act on, is finding a good endocrinologist to see if my hormonal balance can be tweaked to offer me some peace of mind. (I also have a few little physical annoyances like skin brittleness that I think this might help, too, but that's the topic of another post). Of course, messing with my hormonal balance is tricky, because, remember, I'm non-transitioning.

Anyway. Last night I had a dream that I'd consulted with an endo, and was on a regular program that seemed to be really helping. Then, out of the blue, my sweetheart told me she was leaving me, because of dream logic reasons that made sense at the time.

Then I woke up.

For a few minutes, while the dream fog was still surrounding my mind, I felt emotionally numb. I laid there in bed, staring up into the darkness for quite a while. I may have a life outside of my family, with work, cycling, and other extra-curricular hobbies, but without my sweetie and kids, it would seem so empty! I know a lot of transfolk end up losing their families and friends, and that's terrifying to me. Yet to go back to ignoring and cramming this part of myself down into a deep dark hole in the bottom of my soul — well, that's pretty awful too!

Eventually I was able to get back to sleep, and when I woke up this morning, the deep dread of the night had evaporated. I still think finding an endo that can help me is a good idea. But I'd be lying if I said last night didn't spook me a little.