Second Puberty

Last night I think I started to realize what HRT is going to mean for me and my family. Like I mentioned last time, I was due to consult with my doctor on hormone treatment options, and that happened Tuesday. I've been on Spiro and Estradiol since then, and overall it's been a huge improvement to my state of mind, but after work yesterday I met DW & our kids to do a school thing for DD, and all of a sudden, I got completely sideswiped by an intense anxiety attack. Too many people, all looking perfectly well adjusted and cis-normative and able to blend in to society completely naturally (I don't know if they all were or not, but that's what my brain was telling me), and this powerful fear of rejection washed over me. Like no matter what I do mentally or physically, I'll never be able to be an anonymous part of that kind of crowd.

(This is all going on in my head, mind you. I'm not out to our son yet, and DW who tries to support and understand what I'm going through, had enough on her plate without having to coddle me, so I just leaned against a wall and closed my eyes until I could regain some measure of control)

Mind you, DD's in high school, maybe midway through her own puberty. DS has gotten really irrational and emotional in the past month, so we suspect he's on the verge of his as well. Now this. When we got home, I tried to explain what I'd experienced to DW, and her comically exasperated comment? "Aaargh, I don't know if I can handle THREE people all going through puberty at the same time!"

She's right. This is going to be a second puberty for me. Hopefully this one will go better than my first, and I'm still confident that I'm doing what I need to address my dysphoria, but I have no doubt it's going to be a roller coaster of a year.

Where I'm at

So... I kind of dropped off the planet halfway through my 30-days-trans-challenge. Things since November have been hectic, and a lot has changed, but more on that in future posts.

The big news is what's been happening in the past month. Last week, I began transgender-focused primary care at the UCSF Women's Health center in San Francisco. My GP, Dr. Deutsch, is a trans woman, and was very helpful and understanding as I explained my situation and that I'm looking for something to manage my dysphoria, but not take any steps toward transition. Next week I go back in for a follow-up appointment and consultation on HRT options (yay!).

She also suggested I should see a therapist, not for gatekeeping reasons (they're an informed consent clinic, so I don't need a therapist's letter as a precursor to treatment) but just so I can better work out my goals and how to include DW. Well, with a great deal of nervousness, tonight I had my first appointment with a trans-friendly therapist. She was incredibly patient and accommodating, even though I was kind of all over the place about my faith, my body, my job, our marriage, our kids, and on and on. She asked a couple of pointed, clarifying questions, but otherwise, sat back and let me begin to untangle this Gordian knot I've been calling my "gender issues". It's still early days, but so far, I feel like it's going to be a very productive and positive relationship. I'm hopeful. :)

Trans Awareness Month, Day 14 - Passing tips?

(This is part 14 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass?

Um, well, first of all, "passing" is a loaded term. Passing as what, exactly? There are an almost infinite number of variations in womens' hair, skin, body type, voice, and on and on and on, so meeting some arbitrary set of criteria that everyone will read as "female" is somewhat laughable. I'm not saying there aren't ranges on every one of those categories that roughly equate to "female" and "male", because there probably are. What I'm saying is that ultimately, as a non-binary identifying person, it doesn't matter to me.

... much.

Actually, it does matter to me, I guess. But it's complicated.

I don't really alter my presentation all that much for different social situations, other than the obvious one of getting more dressed up for church and work than, say, a quick trip to the corner store. That being the case, I have a couple of important criteria in mind when I get dressed:

1. I want to embrace my femininity in minor ways that nevertheless remind me of my identity. My hair is a big one. A little jewelry sometimes is another. The cut & color of the clothes I wear. Basically the stuff I talked about in my "coping" post a few days ago.
2. I want to look like "Dad" to my kids, in a way that doesn't make them (or their friends) uncomfortable. Having a daughter in her early teens, this one matters quite a bit to me.
3. I want to be attractive to my sweetheart. I don't care much if anyone else thinks I'm good looking, but I want her to.

If I pass those three tests, nothing else really matters to me. :)

Trans Awareness Month, Day 13 - Bathrooms

(This is part 13 of my observance of Transgender Awareness Month, my answers to the 30 Day Trans-Challenge.)

Sheesh, further and further behind schedule... oh well, doing my best here. Here's the next question in the series:

13) Bathrooms

This isn't a question. Buuut, given recent events, it's certainly an important topic of conversation, so let's go.

I prefer gender-neutral, or so-called "family" bathrooms. When those aren't an option, I use the men's restroom, but I never use urinals if I can help it, because honestly, I'd really prefer not to focus on certain... facts of my anatomy.

I realize that trans-friendly bathroom policies are a hot button issue for many trans folks and cis folks alike. Take the current brouhaha over California's recently passed law that allows trans kids to use the locker rooms (and play on the sports teams) corresponding to their gender identity. Conversatives have gone nuts, claiming that this will lead to big bad scary boys declaring that they're "feeling transgender today" so they can go into the girls' bathroom and... do horrible things, presumably. There are at least two problems I can find with that strawman scenario, right off the top of my head:

1. I seriously doubt any school will roll over and let students change back and forth from day to day. This is intended to be more of a protection for the longsuffering trans kid that wants to permanently be associated with their identified gender.
2. If the "trans for a day" scenario wasn't already unlikely enough... what red-blooded meathead teenage boy do you know who would actually risk his reputation by declaring himself to be transgender, even temporarily? The boys that people are claiming to be so worried about are, I expect, so misogynistic that the thought of anyone seeing them as less than the manliest of men is probably terrifying.

So, yeah. This is such a strawman issue. Unfortunately, however, it's one that opponents can use to create fear and uncertainty in the electorate. Which really ticks me off.