Second Puberty

Last night I think I started to realize what HRT is going to mean for me and my family. Like I mentioned last time, I was due to consult with my doctor on hormone treatment options, and that happened Tuesday. I've been on Spiro and Estradiol since then, and overall it's been a huge improvement to my state of mind, but after work yesterday I met DW & our kids to do a school thing for DD, and all of a sudden, I got completely sideswiped by an intense anxiety attack. Too many people, all looking perfectly well adjusted and cis-normative and able to blend in to society completely naturally (I don't know if they all were or not, but that's what my brain was telling me), and this powerful fear of rejection washed over me. Like no matter what I do mentally or physically, I'll never be able to be an anonymous part of that kind of crowd.

(This is all going on in my head, mind you. I'm not out to our son yet, and DW who tries to support and understand what I'm going through, had enough on her plate without having to coddle me, so I just leaned against a wall and closed my eyes until I could regain some measure of control)

Mind you, DD's in high school, maybe midway through her own puberty. DS has gotten really irrational and emotional in the past month, so we suspect he's on the verge of his as well. Now this. When we got home, I tried to explain what I'd experienced to DW, and her comically exasperated comment? "Aaargh, I don't know if I can handle THREE people all going through puberty at the same time!"

She's right. This is going to be a second puberty for me. Hopefully this one will go better than my first, and I'm still confident that I'm doing what I need to address my dysphoria, but I have no doubt it's going to be a roller coaster of a year.

Where I'm at

So... I kind of dropped off the planet halfway through my 30-days-trans-challenge. Things since November have been hectic, and a lot has changed, but more on that in future posts.

The big news is what's been happening in the past month. Last week, I began transgender-focused primary care at the UCSF Women's Health center in San Francisco. My GP, Dr. Deutsch, is a trans woman, and was very helpful and understanding as I explained my situation and that I'm looking for something to manage my dysphoria, but not take any steps toward transition. Next week I go back in for a follow-up appointment and consultation on HRT options (yay!).

She also suggested I should see a therapist, not for gatekeeping reasons (they're an informed consent clinic, so I don't need a therapist's letter as a precursor to treatment) but just so I can better work out my goals and how to include DW. Well, with a great deal of nervousness, tonight I had my first appointment with a trans-friendly therapist. She was incredibly patient and accommodating, even though I was kind of all over the place about my faith, my body, my job, our marriage, our kids, and on and on. She asked a couple of pointed, clarifying questions, but otherwise, sat back and let me begin to untangle this Gordian knot I've been calling my "gender issues". It's still early days, but so far, I feel like it's going to be a very productive and positive relationship. I'm hopeful. :)